it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
