I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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