after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
