I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize