You made me cry and you don't even care
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
