if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
