I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
