you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
