I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
