"it" just moved
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
