Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
