I haven't been this sober since birth.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There are leaves in my underwear?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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