I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
