I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
