Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
