My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
