girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
