went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
