i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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