I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
