Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
