Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
