I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize