Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
