Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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