Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
