Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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