Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
