If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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