I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
