Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
