fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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