i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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