She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
