Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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