my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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