ya dads aren't the best wingmen
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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