I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
