I haven't been this sober since birth.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
