If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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