ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
