Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
