i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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