I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
COCAINE IS GR8
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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