Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
