my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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