Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
