Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
