So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize