i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
