i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
my being single is dangerous.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
