Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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