I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
