Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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