There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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