My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize