He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
