Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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