Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize