Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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