just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
